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[29 Sep 2004|09:50pm] |
I think we're coming to Paris for a visit. See Jon. See Duncan and Amanda. Amanda, I think I've gotten the hang of that knife trick. I've got a book signing too.
( Private )
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| At the end of the gap (Private) |
[19 Aug 2004|12:51pm] |
I go out in the morning and watch the sun rise over the heather. I wonder if Heather ever stood her like this, his arms around her, sipping coffee and wondering what the day will bring. I know he loved her and through him...I've come to love her in some ways. I can't help feeling bad. Horribly bad. Because she had him for only fifty years and I'll have him forever.
That's the thought that got me to pick up my sword and actually use it. I mean. Everything else was words. Words from Connor, words from Adam, words from Amanda. But the idea of not having as much time as possible with Connor and John...yeah. I need them. I need to have them in my life. My sister was right. You can't wait for perfect happiness you have to pick it up and drag it down and wrestle it to the ground. Because being with Connor, having him in my life is my perfect happiness. No one can take that from me, especially not a dead immortal who so nearly destroyed me.
And now Jon's grown up, at college and...I know I wasn't around to see him as an infant, a toddler. But I raised him into a young man and he's my beautiful baby boy. Someday- not now but someday- I'll want to raise another child with Connor. Another baby. His and mine. But for now we have the beautiful, but never quite the same Scottish mornings with his arms around me and the taste of coffee in his mouth when I kiss him. I can't imagine a better happiness than this.
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| Locked to Connor |
[14 Jul 2004|12:06pm] |
Leaving tonight. I'll be back in a week.
I'm taking my sword.
Love you
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[09 Jul 2004|02:01pm] |
I'm thinking of going to see my sister and her family for a week. Everything's been so...messy for so long I need a break.
Yes, I'm bringing my sword. Yes, I can run very fast.
Connor, bring Jon to get a dog.
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| Filtered From Jon |
[20 May 2004|12:47am] |
I hate my fucking sword. I hate having to fight, I hate the practice room, and I hate being immortal.
I almost wish I had just died. Then I wouldn't be working my damnest to try to learn to kill someone else; which is what this boils down to. I can't do it. I know Connor thinks I can and Adam says I can and Jon needs me to but I'm not this strong.
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[14 May 2004|08:57pm] |
No more quarreling at the MacLeod's.
( Thank god )
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[05 May 2004|11:12pm] |
Filtered from Jon
Fought with Connor. Fuck. I know I'm right. I am. But damn it, I hate fighting with him. Writing about it I'm getting all angry again. What fucking right has he got...fuck it.
( The Fight )
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[17 Apr 2004|04:23pm] |
Happy birthday to me. I can't believe it.
I'm finished with the book. Completely done. Sending it off on monday done.
( Private )
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[14 Apr 2004|11:02pm] |
Connor took me out on Tuesday. Totally surprised me. Dinner, dancing, lovely time. I can't believe I'd forgotten how much I like to dance. I can't believe I did dance.
Then we came home and Connor gave me a present. I'd almost forgotten.
( My Birthday )
Suffice to say we made the most of the evening.
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[30 Mar 2004|02:15pm] |
Jon's finished his math and he's off reading The Giver in theory- I think he's probably playing video games. I've finished another chapter of my book. That's two this week. I'll be able to get it off soon. I don't particularly feel like writing anymore. I'll start dinner soon probably.
Connor's off with Adam. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about Ryan. I'm worried about Dana- you okay?
Other things are good. Too good.
( I shouldn't be <s>falling in love</s> so comfortable already )
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| Not for Jon |
[24 Mar 2004|09:27pm] |
I went shopping with Dana and Amanda this afternoon. First time I've been shopping with other women since my mother died. I messed up a couple of times, but I had a good day. I talked to Amanda about Connor things. I feel so disconnected from the world. You were wrong, Amanda. He couldn't and do this.
( I can't fucking believe this )
Strangely I'm more angry at Connor then Adam. Adam doesn't give a damn about me, or my feelings. Connor supposedly does- more, he knows from me why I'm afraid. I assume Adam knows too, that bastard knows everything, but Connor's heard me have nightmares about it. So he let's my worst fear happen.
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[21 Mar 2004|08:48pm] |
Moved all of my things into Connor's house. It's strange. It's like I've always been there.
( Relaxing day )
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[21 Mar 2004|07:17am] |
Weekend was lousy.
Kidnapped.
Watched someone- two someone's even- I like killed and/or beaten.
Killed.
Not-Dead.
That poor woman.
Woke up from a nightmare.
At least it was a quiet one.
Connor's asleep.
No, having written this it doesn't feel any more real. It's like a story I wrote. Horrible, violent, terrifying and completely removed from myself.
He keeps talking about a sword. I won't. I can't. I can't kill someone. I won't be put in that position. Please.
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[16 Mar 2004|06:44pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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I should have known this would happen. Why did I let myself do this. I know better. I have to go, God, what was I thinking? A week being stupid, I start back actually doing my job and now...of course.
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[13 Mar 2004|01:53pm] |
I had dinner with Connor and Jon tonight. I keep doing that. I really shouldn't. I helped Jon with his math and we argued over children's literature. I'm bringing over a stack at some point. Jon went to bed, and Connor and I talked some.
( Then we looked at kilts )
Then I went home and read some. I hope think it was my choice in literature that brought on the nightmare. No horror stories before bed. Connor and Jon'll be here soon. It's already quarter of nine.
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[11 Mar 2004|11:33am] |
Meet with Connor yesterday. I didn't have a nightmare last night, so progress I suppose.
( Coffee shop )
I went though. Had dinner with Jon and Connor. Helped Jon with his math. It ws....I don't know, nice.
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